It's been 7 hours and 224 days...since they took my job away.
There are fucking skunks in da Bronx! You wanna know how I know? You wanna fucking know how I know?! Tonight, during my usual, shitty-ass, three-quarter-mile walk from the bus stop to my grandma's house in Throg's Neck, something very unusual happened. I turned the corner by a tiny wooded area, I heard a rustling in the bushes, and I was barely able to register the two glowing eyes fixed on me before I heard a mother skunking hissing noise and felt a spray down the right side of my body. HAIR AND FACE INCLUDED! The urban girl in me instinctively first thought I was the lucky recipient of some air conditioner "rain" from a window above. But quickly I remembered my present surroundings and realized there was no way it was air conditioner rain. I was nowhere near an air conditioner. Or a building. And that's when I smelled it.
MOTHER SKUNKER! MOTHER FUCKING SKUNKER! I WAS SPRAYED BY A MOTHER FUCKING SKUNK!!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???!!!!! THAT JUST HAPPENED! THIS SHIT JUST HAPPENED!!! TONIGHT! I'M STILL TECHNICALLY IN NYC!!! HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN IN NYC???!!!
The remaining half-mile walk was excruciating. The reek of my own skin made me gag every few steps. Oh the retching! The wretched retching!
I've been in the shower for the past hour and I still smell like Pepe Le Pew. I'm typing this wearing rubber gloves so that I don't stink up my precious mac. I don't know how I'm going to sleep like this. And there's nothing in G-ma's house to take the edge off. I'll have to settle for a xanax chased with a shot of Ouzo. If my life weren't so freaking awesome these days (see iwillfollowtheplay.com), then it would really suck right about now. Instead it just stinks.
And I was wearing one of my favorite blue dresses. Will I have to throw my dress away? Will I have to throw MYSELF away?
Help me. I beg of you, please help me. Stop laughing at me for a brief moment and please tell me how to make this fucking funk get off me.
And then buy tickets to my play, "I WILL FOLLOW" so that I can make some money and move out of this stinking borough. Here! By them HERE! And stop laughing at me!
OMG- I found your story with the skunk at 3am and laughed so hard that I woke my wife and daughter, I could not stop and eventually frightened them again 10 minutes later just thinking of your situation. I had a smell coming through my window that was sort of like The Bronx Zoo Wild Safari zone meets dirty cat litter- I smelled my daughter, I smelled myself, etc- My wife said it may be a skunk and surely I laughed saying "There aren't skunks in the Bronx" Google took me to this blog.
ReplyDeleteAfter enjoying the laugh and lack of sleep I clicked on your link and must say that I appreciate your talent and wish you the best of luck- I wish we would have had time to see your play but I see we missed by a few months. We wish you all the best!