Monday, May 11, 2009

May is National Masturbation Month!

Unemployment: Day 92 in Business Days; Day 126 in Human Days

It's been 7 hours and 126 days...since they took my job away.

According to a recent article in The New York Times, the nation's unemployment rate has risen to 8.9 %.  Also according to The New York Times, being jobless is bad for your health.  Awesome.  Just when you no longer have health insurance, you develop all sorts of new ailments.  

But fear not!  May is National Masturbation Month!  For all you unemployed people out there who have a little extra time on your hands, I say put those hands to good use.   The Better Health Channel and Fox News are in agreement that masturbation can improve your health in a variety of ways.  And if you're looking for a cheap thrill, there ain't nothing cheaper than tuning the antenna or dialing the rotary phone.  I didn't make those up.

If you've got some of your severance package or tax refund left, I highly recommend an awesome cheap find from Jimmy Jane: the "Indulgences Pocket Pleasure Set".  It costs only $22 and is worth every penny, even the ones spent on shipping.  If you happen to be in L.A., you can pick up one of these little numbers at Fred Segal.  

Happy May!  Happy de-stressing!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Shoes or food?

Unemployment: Day in 88 Business Days; Day in 120 Human Days

It's been 7 hours and 120 days...since they took my job away.

Shoes or food?  This is one of the tough choices every unemployed woman must make with every unemployment check deposited.  

This week I chose shoes.  Eek!  

But aren't they just the most precious, totes gorge lil' numbers you've ever seen?!  And I got them on Bluefly, so theoretically, I saved money even though I spent money.  Just humor me.

Wanna see more shoes that other women put before food?  Check 'em here!  And here!

In order to justify their cost, I want to start getting use out of them immediately.  Since I have no job or social life, this means that I've taken to wearing them around grandma's house in my pajamas.
Additionally, in order to make up for their cost, this is what I will be eating this week.  My dad brought over the monthly supply of Activia from Costco!  Thank Bono, cause I don't know how else I'll digest all them carbs.
And yes, that is baby's breath you see looming above the doughnuts.  I live at my grandma's house.  Baby's breath is a breathin' most of the air around here.

Perri, my Personal Action Coach, says I need to explore whether I simply think these shoes are pretty or whether they serve some sort of emotional need.  I think it's a little bit of both.  

Jobless City Challenge:  Find a way to afford my latest shoe must-have by applying culinary creativity.

Money Saved: -$120  - Yes, that's negative money, but when you consider that the original cost was $475, I actually saved $355.  Humor me!

Monday, May 4, 2009

Be the Butterfly: Personal Action Coach, Perri Gorman, to the Rescue!

Unemployment: Day 87 in Business Days; Day 119 in Human Days

It's been 7 hours and 119 days...since they took my job away.

This just in: I have a Life Coach.  Actually, she's a Personal Action Coach.  That term is so hot, it ain't even on wikipedia yet.  My coach is Perri Gorman and she is the founder of BE THE BUTTERFLY.  

I know what you're thinking...Personal Action Coach?  For realz?  What could a complete stranger possibly tell you about your own life and actions that you don't already know?  Besides, I already get that here.  So I was incredibly skeptical before my first meeting with Perri last week.  I was expecting the obvious: stop sleeping until noon, stop watching Law and Order all day, stop using the adult section on craigslist as your primary job search source, stop shooting whipped cream into your mouth at 2am while standing in front of the fridge, yes those calories do count, etc.  But I kept an open mind because her background includes over 10 years as an executive recruiter, coursework at The International School of Coaching and study of feng shui.  And because curiosity killed this cat.  I hadn't seen her since high school.  Yes, Perri and I knew one another in the days of uni-brows and foot-high hair.  Mine, not hers.  Perri was cool in high school; I was not.  

And so, all these years later, Perri stumbled upon this here blog and offered to help me morph from my current caterpillar state into the butterfly I deserve to be.  

During our first session, Perri asked me many questions about what I want to do and what steps I could take to get from point A to point B.  In my case, that's from unemployed couch potato to employed story teller.  Don't know what point B is?  No problem!  She helps you figure that out, too.  Have more than one point B?  Also no problem.  She helps you prioritize goals.  For example, I also want to get involved in more charity work, start my own production company and go back to school for my Masters.  But we decided it's most important right now for me to focus on turning my writing in work.  Cause a girl's gotta eat.  And buy shoes.  All of the questioning was more like a conversation than an interrogation, and I came to many conclusions on my own.  By the end of the session, I couldn't believe that 3 hours had passed.

I walked away with a clear vision of point B and a homework assignment: email Perri with the first steps I intend to take on my path to becoming a butterfly.  One of the first to-dos on the list is to declutter.  Perri recommends that you declutter in three different ways:
  1. Physical Decluttering- This is the obvious one.  Get rid of anything and everything you don't need.  But not so easy for me (see photos below).  
  2. Energetic Decluttering - We often put our day-to-day actions on autopilot, causing energetic clutter.  This is about creating different actions that will breathe new energy into your life.  In other words, try watching The Price is Right instead of Law and Order and switch up your bon bon flavor.  I jest, of course.
  3. People Decluttering - This is the toughest one, I think.  This requires you to stop associating with people who stand in the way of point B.  Luckily, I don't keep much people clutter.  I'm wicked good at un-friending people on Facebook.  Rip that bandaid off!  I'm also not friends with any of my exes (including The Artist Formerly Known As My Husband).  I don't have superfluous friendships and I keep those tough but necessary relationships with crazy family members at arms length.  However, I think the people decluttering goes deeper than this.  If I were truly free of people clutter, I would not obsess on a daily basis over my ex boyfriend, Do Wrong.  I may not be in contact with him, but he continues to clutter my mind.  I admit that this one will take some time.  
In the meantime, I'll start with the physical decluttering.  By the looks of things, I should probably get cracking.  On the upside, I take pride in knowing that I have a superhero power: the ability to make any space look as though a bomb hit it using only my bare hands and the contents of two suitcases.  Should this skill be on my resume?  I'll have to ask Perri at our next session.   Before and after photos are being posted for your enjoyment.

A room with a view.

Shoe village!

Aerial shot of my bed.  Oy.

Check back for the after photos!!!  And if you'd like Perri to help morph you, visit her website or email her at theperri at gmail dot com.

Jobless City Challenge: Be open-minded to new tactics and possibilities.  

Money Earned: None yet, but I'm beginning to see my dollar potential.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Cheap Doings This Weekend in NYC

Unemployment: Day 84 in Business Days; Day 116 in Human Days

It's been 7 hours and 116 days...since they took my job away.

It's Friday and there's still a recession.  We're all looking for some inexpensive ways to pass a lovely NYC weekend.  Here are some cheap goings-on that I've found.

The Festival runs through Sunday, so you've still got time to check out a few flics.  You can purchase tix online, but if it's the day of the show, you'll have to just show up at the theater an hour beforehand and cross your fingers.  That's what I did last night for the 11pm show of Midgets vs. Mascots.  This shockumentary is not for the politically correct or faint of heart.  I'm fairly certain many midgets and mascots were harmed in the making of it.  But hot damn, did I laugh my ass off.  Who knew Gary Coleman had a third leg?!  Don't ask, just go see it.  There are two more shows - Saturday at 11:30pm and Sunday at 10:30pm, both at AMC Village VII.  See the trailer and purchase tickets here.

This fantabulous band is putting on a free show Friday night (tonight!) at 11pm at Spike Hill in Williamsburg.  If my last bus back to da Bronx weren't at midnight, I would so be there.  Go check out their "special brand of punk soul americana" for FREE!  They're worth a trip out to hipster-land, I promise.

On the first Saturday night of every month, this group hosts an evening of hilarious short films. They're back this Saturday night with 6 new movies and their very first short from Norway!  Join them for the screening at 8pm and after party at 92YTribeca.  Tickets are $10, which is still cheaper than going to see the latest shitty blockbuster for $12.50.  

BAMcafé Live is holding a free comedy night on Saturday, May 2 at 9:30pm as part of their 1- Year Anniversary celebration.  The lineup looks great (including Wyatt Cenac from The Daily Show), so I plan to schlep my ass from da Bronx to Brooklyn to check this out.  Did I mention that it's FREE???!!!

Being jobless and poor is no excuse to sit on your fat ramen butt and watch every incarnation of Law & Order all weekend.  Elliott and Olivia will still be there on Monday, I promise.  Get up, go out and save some moolah!

Interested in having me write about your cheap NYC doings here?  Email me!  It's easier than writing yet another cover letter and I'm way cuter than your recruiter.