Monday, November 9, 2009

Am I a ZERO?

Unemployment: Day 230 in Business Days; Day 309 in Human Days

It's been 7 hours and 309 days...since they took my job away.

People of the interwebs! I need your help in answering a pertinent question!

Am I a ZERO??? I'll explain...

I have not written here in many moons. My lapse is for many reasons. Mainly it's because I've started doing this really time-consuming and horribly boring thing. You may have heard of it. It's called "working." No no, don't
worry, I don't have to change the title of this blog. I'm still officially unemployed and fabulous. But this past month or two I've picked up some promo and temp work that's kept me pretty busy. Setting an alarm for 6am every morning has been a royal pain in the ass. I would say that it was well worth it for the money, but see, I haven't even gotten paid yet for any of these jobs. Which has made finances a little tight since I haven't been able to collect unemployment while "working." I haven't even been paid for a job I did back in the beginning of September. It was a promo job for PowerAde Zero, a new Powerade product that has zero calories. I actually had to wear a t-shirt that said ZERO on it for an entire week. It's lovely the way wearing a t-shirt that says ZERO in large letters actually makes you feel like a zero. (You see where this is going?)

I know what you're thinking. How could I so quickly feel like a ZERO after spending my summer being such a superstar Fringe hero. I should still be basking in the glow of that experience, the amazing reviews, and the massive accomplishment of producing my play on a NYC stage. But having no money and no job and four large block letters on your chest -- Z-E-R-O -- can send you descending down the HERO to ZERO well in zero seconds flat.

But I'm strong like bull. The past year has thickened my already tough skin. It takes more than unemployment, no money and wearing a silly little shirt to make me feel so less than. So just for kicks, I'll share with you the other factors that are making me feel like such a nonentity. What miserable fun!

No Money. I know, I already said I have no money. But not having enough money for a manicure is so sad that it must be mentioned again. And you know I love my manicures! = I'm a ZERO

Sorta still pining over ex-boyfriend, Do Wrong, who has clearly moved on = I'm a ZERO

Discovering that the Artist Formerly Known as My Husband left me for a short lesbian** = I'm a ZERO

And the coup de graces -- Being thrown out onto the street by my own grandmother. Seriously. This past weekend, my own grandmother kicked me out of her house. She was bullied into it by my two evil uncles, and it was for reasons that have nothing to do with me, but regardless, she kicked me out. Me. Her own granddaughter. In true ghetto Bronx style, the cops even had to be called. It was horrible. = I'm a ZERO

Luckily, I'm surrounded by amazing people who helped me flee da Bronx, people who opened their home to me and people who are just simply there for me. One of these people is a new friend who lives halfway across the world in South Korea. (Stay tuned for details of my upcoming South Korea adventure!) After hearing about my ghetto weekend from Bronx hell, he offered some wise words for me to think on:

"The sun literally never sets on the people who care about you and are pulling for ya."

So am I a ZERO? I think I've answered my own question. But feel free to leave comments about how awesome you think I am. My cake could still use the icing right now.

**I have nothing against short people or lesbians. One of my best friends is a short lesbian. I do have something against being left for a short lesbian. Just doesn't sit right with me. It's funny, cause I found out after my marriage ended that some people in my family always thought that The Artist Formerly Known as My Husband was gay. I don't think he's gay. But this whole situation has got me thinking...Which is worse? To be left because your significant other is gay, or to be left because your significant other would rather be with someone who's gay? Either way, I say oy vey.


  1. I totally relate, Barri. I'm barely employed, coming down from my own post-Fringe high, and I completely dated a short lesbian in high school.

    True story, swear to Bono.

  2. Wow, I don't even know what to say to this. This makes my own homelessness pale in comparison. I'm getting a couch this weekend if you need a place to crash for a little bit.

  3. Wow, I don't even know what to say to this! This makes my own homelessness pale in comparison. I'm getting a couch this weekend if you need a place to crash...and what sort of shady temp place are you working for that they haven't paid you in months!?!?!

  4. Darn it! I wrote a humdinger of a comment but I somehow made it go away before posting. To paraphrase:

    I'm pretty sure I dated a tall gay guy in college and I'm not quite sure he's come all the way out of the closet.

    You're no ZERO! As long as you have friends who are willing to help you out (and in South Korea no less!) you're good as gold.

    And I'm here for some cake. yummmy cake.

  5. The operative phrase here is "in true ghetto Bronx style" the very least you will not be paying that hefty bus fare anymore, & at the very most, you will not have to be subjected to the low life evil uncles! You do not come from that kind of people!

  6. Barri, you are the sexiest, funniest, and craziest ZERO I know. Please don't listen to your other friends who would have you think different. You are NOT a HERO. You are in fact, as you so preceptively determined, a ZERO, but a ZERO with that critical SFC factor (see above) that has an almost superhero characteristic about it. You see, the SFC ZERO is actually a shining figure in today's society, nothing like the 80's molly ringwald tragic ZERO with which many people would associate the term ZERO. The SFC Zero of today is a tragic comedic character with flair and style, and many around her envy the confidence with which the SFC Zero carries herself. You are a walking contradiction, and in today's world where bland is out, the curiosity you evoke is gold. Stay the same, own your personality, and go forth and populate (we need more of you)

  7. Dude- I think I am you, but in Massachusettes.. In college I lusted this guy at our local pub- one date and he told me he was gay.. I am a member of your followers so join mine too!

  8. my boyfriend of 4 years dumped me because he came out of the closet. definitely the worst, but then it's the best because you aren't a beard anymore!