Tuesday, November 17, 2009


Unemployment: Day 236 in Business Days; Day 317 in Human Days

It's been 7 hours and 317 days...since they took my job away.

People of the intarwebs! I need your help! Yet again!

The two cats in my deluxe apartment in the sky are driving me insane. This morning at 5am I abruptly and terrifyingly woke up to one of the little feline demons perched right next to my head on the bed. I swear to Bono (and rarely do I ever take Bono's name in vain), but I swear to Bono, I feel like I'm living in that awful Stephen King movie, "Sleepwalkers." Remember that movie?! For those of you that don't, here's an abbreviated synopsis that I condensed from various, dependable sources. (Okay, fine. This is merely a mash-up of a few different summaries written by trusted film critis.) (Okay, fine, again. They're only film critics in the sense that they watch movies and then pompously write synopsises on IMBD -- an obvious and pathetic attempt on their parts to sound and feel important.) People who write things online for no real reason other than to have random people online read them are so full of themselves. Sheesh, stop being so self-important and get a life. And a job. And then give me a job.

So, according to IMBD and me, here is what "Sleepwalkers" was all about. I've taken the liberty of bolding pertinent words and phrases...

Charles Brady and his mother Mary move to a small town. They are Sleepwalkers - "Nomadic shape shifting creatures with human and feline origins. The Sleepwalker feeds upon the life-force of virginal human females. Probable source of vampire legend" - according to the Chillicoathe Encyclopedia of Arcane Knowledge, 1st edition, 1884. They can change their appearance and often appear as cats. This is the modern-day tale of vampires cats who prey on virtuous young women. Tanya is a sexually curious virgin who falls for the new boy in school - Charles - only to learn too late that he's a life-sucking Sleepwalker. Mutating at will from golden boy to savage feline monster, he stalks Tanya to feed his seductive, cat monster mother.

See? My situation is exactly like Sleepwalkers! Here are the obvious connections that you might have missed:
  • "virginal young woman" = Me (obvi)

  • "seductive cat monster mother" = my 62 year old fairy godmother/hostess

  • Tux and Harmony, the kitties = SLEEPWALKERS, doing the bidding of my fairy godmother (obvi)

So here's where you, the people of the interwebs, come in. I need your help in suggesting what I can do to make these cats stay the frak away from me. And don't just tell me to get a door. Obviously a door would be ideal, but we need to work within a world that has no door...no barriers. The focus of your suggestions should be things that will keep the cats away without harming me, the cats, or the castle. Also, the cat curbing must be discreet. I can't make my Fairy Godmother aware of the fact that I know that she's a cat monster.

So please, suggest away. I'm tired. And scared. And virginal. And as the "Sleepwalkers" movie poster so accurately predicts, the Sleepwalkers are feasting on my fear. And it's dinner time.

Help! Don't let this guy eat my face!

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