Tuesday, June 2, 2009

A Bronx Gem, a Bronx Gym, a Thunderstorm, oh my!

Unemployment: Day 108 in Business Days; Day 148 in Human Days

It's been 7 hours and 148 days...since they took my job away.

Today was yet another busy, crazy, emotional day, so momma is sitting down for a well-deserved beverage and some blog therapy.  

One of my favorite parts about living at Grandma's is that the couch is so over-stuffed that it also serves as a table (see left).  Perfect for when you've got your laptop on your lap and don't want to reach for the coffee table for every sip.  Not so perfect by 11pm when your ass feels like you've been camping.   

The day began with a trip to Jenny's Lucky Nails on East Tremont for a fresh mani.  Momma's got another busy day of meetings tomorrow and needs to look her best.  Momma doesn't know why she keeps calling herself "momma" but for whatever reason it's what she does when she's really crazed.  Momma's totally crazed right now!  Anywho, no happy ending or content middle to report, sigh.  But I did witness the most HI-larious Bronx scene at the nail salon.  As Jenny or one of her sisters applied Essie's "Secret Stash" (which btw, is totally hot pink gorgeous) to my nails, a very typical Bronx broad in her 40's sat at the station next to me.  Let's call her Bronxy Balzy.  So Bronxy Balzy, clad in in her brown, polyester, too-tight-round-the-Bronx booty, OMG-could-you-at-least-where-a-thong pants and matching too-tight-round-the-bronx-boobies, white and brown striped button down immediately eyes the Asian man in his 50's who sits down to sculpt her tips.   "He's gonna do me?!" she booms.  Followed by "Well, if you're gonna do me, we're at least gonna have a conversation.  You speak English?" and  "Come on, speak some English!  Before I'm dry I'll get you speaking English!" and my absolute favorite "How about you take me on a date?  You know what a date is?  You can take me out for Chinese!"  At which point she turns to me: "He doesn't even know what I'm saying, I could be saying anything!"  The best part was that every time she shouted at the poor man, she put on a faint Asian accent.  Like that would make him understand her better.  It's the true gems like this that make the playwright in me appreciate the time that I'm spending up here in Throg's Neck.  Cause who wants to go see a play about Brooklyn hipsters?  Snooze.  But a play about Bronxy Balzy?  Show time!

Next stop was Fusion Fitness a bit further up the avenue.  Or is it Fitness Fusion?  Like it matters.  In less then 3 months, I'm going to be starring in my play on stage in front of hundreds of people.  The time has come to tone up.  I don't have that much work to do.  Luckily I'm blessed with a pretty nice canvas even with the macaroon-macaroni build-up of unemployment.  Clive Owen and Jake Gyllenhaal and Gerard Butler can each attest to that.  (What?  A girl can dream.)  But I've decided that momma's body is gonna be banging for opening night.  My current regiment, which consists only of jogging with the sailors, ain't gonna cut it.  So I've broken down and joined a gym.  A Bronx gym.  Much cheaper than a Manhattan gym and much closer too.  I'm on a month-to-month plan cause I refuse to even think about living in the Bronx for more than one month at a time.  The class schedule is...fascinating.  My choices appear to be "Zumba," "Curvy Divas," and "Brazilian Self-Defense."  I assume "Brazilian Self-Defense" will equip me with skills you need when being attacked by a petite Indian woman wielding a wooden stick of hot wax right in the direction of your hoo ha.  

An Excerpt from This Class: 
Jedi Master: Barri, young padawan, use the force to battle the dark side of the full Brazilian."     

Barri: But master, my boyfriend, like, totally wants me to embrace the full Brazilian.

Jedi Master: Of course that's what Palpatine wants!  Bare hoo has everywhere for his Empire.  You must learn to defend your lady parts.  Which is why I offer this Brazilian defense course on Tuesdays and Thursdays at Fusion Fitness.  

Fascinating.  But I think I'll start with "FRESHitUP with FRANK" on Sunday at 11am.  

On the 2 mile walk back to Grandma's, the Heavens opened up and onto me.  Genius over here was caught minus an umbrella (ella ella) and finished up the last mile in torrential rain.  At first it sucked, but once I started slipping in and out of my flip flops and laughing out loud, it wasn't so bad.  All I kept thinking was, oh man, grandma's gonna kill me if I track a mess through the whole house, grandma's gonna be so mad when she sees me.  I envisioned her making me take my sopping wet clothes off on the porch as she threw a path of towels to the bathroom, all the while shouting at me in Italian.  Which made me laugh even harder.  Here I am, a 30-year old woman, thinking a thought I'm positive went through my head at 10 years old.  We change in so many ways throughout our lives.  Sometimes it's nice to discover something that hasn't changed.  

It makes me think of a song sung so sweetly by, who else? Bono -- "I lost myself in the summer rain, I lost myself....Just as you find me...always I will be...a little bit too free with myself."

Jobless City Challenge: Cheap Bronx gym, cheap Bronx mani, Priceless Bronx Gem

Money Saved: $40 (difference between joining NY Sports Club in Manhattan and Fitness Fusion/Fusion Fitness in da Bronx)  FRESHitUP here I come!


  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. I've been living in "Da Bronx" for too many years to mention and thought this was HILARIOUS!!